Having a 3rd Year Freak Out

On Friday 20th September, I was a bridesmaid for my Uncle and Auntie. It was the most beautiful day: the weather was perfect, I was surrounded by family, and having my makeup done always brings me more joy than it probably should. It was the best way to conclude my summer. Fast forward to Monday 23rd September - I'm back in Southampton for uni, the torrential rain has made sure my makeup looks nowhere near as good as it did 2 days ago, and I'm stressed.

As many of you may know, I'm a Multimedia Journalism student at Solent University. And for the most part, I love it. I've written blog posts rounding up my first and second years of uni, and from those posts, I think it's obvious I've made incredible friends, lifelong memories and had a blast doing a course that I genuinely have a huge passion for. But on a soggy walk home from Asda on Monday evening, ready to cook my classic dinner of veggie sausages, hash browns and beans (guaranteed to have that at least twice more this week), it suddenly hit me: this is my last year here. Cue the freak out. 

And not a cute, Nile-Rogers-and-Chic-style freak out - an oh-my-God-this-is-real-I-am-going-into-the-big-wide-world-soon-and-maybe-I-can't-do-it-style freak out. 

This year is huge. It's what the past two years have been building up to. And even though I've done pretty well in all of my previous units - even if I do say so myself - I still feel grossly unprepared for what's ahead. That's not due to the fact I haven't put the work in, I haven't been researching, or my lecturers are anything less than complete diamonds - it's because I'm the biggest worrier known to mankind. 

Exhibit A: my driving lessons. I only began driving lessons in June this year, but I would be overthinking everything days in advance, my mind relaying every worst-case scenario there could possibly be. And this is what it's like in my head a lot of the time - it's worrying to me when I'm not worrying about something. So, naturally, I started panicking about my Final Major Project (my course's version of a dissertation) right at the start of summer, as soon as second year ended. What if my ideas aren't good enough? What if something uncontrollable goes wrong close to the deadline? And, a big sticking point for me - what if I overwhelm myself so much that I don't produce my best work and it becomes the biggest load of rubbish ever subjected to my poor, poor tutor?

The reality is, I don't need to panic myself so much. Going back to the driving lessons example, my instructor was there to help me out - and everyone else on the road had been in my situation before. Just relax, you're doing better than you think. But let's think about everyone else on the road for a second: they're all watching me, they're all judging my every move - at least, that's what it feels like: constant scrutiny. And even in my 7-or-so lessons I had had driving, I immediately wanted to be just as good as everyone else. I'm impatient. Sometimes, I just want to be able to have an innate ability to do things, a lot of the time it's just so that I'm able to fit in and be comparable. 

I don't consider myself a competitive person, but I do compare myself to other people a lot. Sometimes I judge my blog's worth by comparing it's reads or Instagram followers to my peers', and I know that if someone's FMP is looking better than mine come close to deadline, it'll really dampen my view of my own work and potential. It'll only continue outside of uni as well - be that if someone can pull of that graduation cap way better than I can, or they've got their dream job and I'm still sending out one million CVs. 

I think - especially since the rise of social media, Instagram in particular  - it's very much the human condition to compare ourselves to other people. He has more likes than me, her winged eyeliner is so much better than mine. And it's this that filters into our everyday lives and convinces us that every little thing we do could be done better by someone else. And it's hard, man. Go ahead boomers, call us snowflakes for feeling insecure about our Instagram followers total - but it runs far deeper than that. The fact that anyone can see the light, having scrolled through social media on the daily convincing themselves that their self-worth is minuscule and they can't contribute anything meaningful at all to a vast Internet space full of often-feigned perfection, is quite the feat.  

I also think that this huge sense of insecurity will not slow. I know Instagram are taking measures - like testing the idea of hiding the number of likes on photos, and not allowing certain ages to see certain posts - to stop us comparing ourselves to one another. Too little too late, imo. But I think from now on, I'm going to try less to compare myself to others, and allow myself to be inspired by others instead. That doesn't mean I'm going to copy other people's FMPs or buy InTheFrow's whole wardrobe - it means I will try to learn from them, and incorporate their admirable ideas into my work in my own way, which is probably better than I think it is anyway. Seeing such amazing creativity on my course - and often in the accounts I follow, too - is exciting and does motivate me to achieve. Because if they can do it, I can do it too - and I might even have something they don't. We all have something special and unique and super duper cool to bring to the table. 

I think a lot of reason I panic is the fear of the unknown. Nothing scares me more at the moment than life after uni - will I be stacking shelves for the rest of my life? Will I even get a look-in at the career I want? Will I be living at home with my mum cooking me delicious meals for the rest of time? Actually...

But as scary as the unknown may be, unfortunately that's life. I've got to try and take each day as it comes, and remember that while fear of the future can shoot you into an existential black hole, the fact life is not a written path is also a bit of a thrill - you have the power to make it whatever you want. Isn't that cool?

I've decided this year, I'm not going to let my anxieties win. Yes, at the end of the day uni is about learning and getting your degree, but for me, it's been just as important having this brilliant experience while I'm young. It's my final year, I don't want to remember it as one big teary-eyed blur. So, while feeling overwhelmed is probably a given this year, I'm going to take breaks, I'm going to admit when it's all getting on top of me, I'm going to ask for help, I'm going to stop agreeing to things if I don't actually want or have time to do them, and, yes, I am going to make even more lists. Because who doesn't love writing a good list? 

I'm no expert, but if you often feel overwhelmed with work or school life, this is a useful website with lots and lots of tips. 

Will I ever stop being a complete stress-head? Probably not. But I know that if I remember that I have actually got this, but that it is okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, I'll be sweet. My final year - and going forward - will bring so many huge changes that are both terrifying but also so, so exciting. So come on third year, let's dance.